Boundaries in Business

This is a topic I really wanted to write about today because I think many women in particular, especially those working in caring, holistic & spiritual fields, really struggle with this. 

Being a holistic healer, working in alternative wellness or any spiritual field, chances are you came to this line of work with a genuine desire to help people, a calling. You wanted to help others live better lives, feel better, and you had a burning desire to bring kindness, reassurance and a compassionate ear to those who may be struggling with life challenges that you yourself have known and survived.

Many of us found our path because of abuse, mistreatment or struggle in our own past or childhood. I would guess that a large proportion of us fit into what I'd call the "wounded healer" category i.e. those who have suffered the injuries themselves and seek to heal others as a result. The term coined by psychologist Henri Nouwen describes those who feel compelled to help others because they are themselves "wounded." 

Whilst I'm no expert, I do believe there is a human compulsion that leads us to want to help others struggling with things we have suffered with ourselves. On some level I think it's cathartic. Maybe we feel it will help our own healing in some way, and maybe it does help us symbiotically too. The problem is that many wounded healers never really recover from their wounds, if they have worked on them at all - the impulse to help others is strong in many of us, and we may even have started helping others before working on ourselves too.

It's a mistake that I made, but quite innocently, because I genuinely had no idea of the cause or extent of my own wounding until many years after beginning my healing work.

If that weren't enough to deal with already, we wounded healers then enter the domain of business which can be harsh, competitive and at worst ruthless.

As women, most of us were taught from a young age to be "nice" and not argue or make a fuss. Couple this with wounding from abuse or mistreatment which may have left you with impaired boundaries and that can make life difficult. Add running a business into the equation and it becomes a recipe for stress and being taken advantage of!

One of the hardest things for me has always been setting and maintaining professional boundaries. 

I can do it in the corporate world, not least because those roles come with a set of rules and guidelines that map out what you should and should not do, so you know where you stand. But when you're self-employed and the business is all about YOU, your products your skills, your services, it becomes a different ballgame. 

Where do you draw that all important boundary line?

Setting healthy boundaries is a skill we all need to learn, but it can pose a particular challenge for the wounded healer who already struggles with drawing that line in their personal life, and finds themselves precariously trying to balance their desire to be seen to be caring with a need to say no!

This often plays out on social media, where we find that some people try to take up large portions of our time for free, demand free services or present us with sad sob stories that make it difficult for us to refuse the discount, or "favour" they may be asking us for.

Another issue which I've found particularly problematic, which crops up in business networking, both in person or online, is knowing when it's ok to say no, or when to ignore and not respond to people who may be asking for meetings, trying to sell us products or services, but do so under the guise of being friendly and helpful. Some even try to flirt with me - I really hate that! (Seriously, don't do it!) 

This is a topic that is far less talked about, and what I'd like to focus the attention on today.

Some of the more pushy business people may actually try to guilt you into staying in contact with them, or tell you you're rude if you don't agree to meet up with them or listen to their pitch because they're "just trying to help." And although you know you don't want or can't afford their services, and it makes you feel icky every time you hear from them, it's still beyond you to tell them "no thanks, bye." 

All because you're still trying to juggle being the kind empathetic healer and a businesswoman too, and you haven't managed to develop strong boundaries yet. 

Believe me, I get it - your business relies on your maintaining that image of the caring, empathic healer or spiritual teacher, but find yourself doing things to your own detriment in order to preserve that at all costs, to everyone.

If you're in business or self employed, you know the kind of salespeople & business people I mean. The slimy ones, the ugly or old ones that flirt inapropriately or the annoying ones that you would never be friends with or have anything to do with in real life because they make your skin crawl or just don't vibe with you in the slightest. 

And yet, they seem to think they can stomp all over your boundaries to make a sale. And you let them, at least at first because you're trying to be "nice" and keep your image of being empathic and kind. 

In the past some people have actually been highly inappropriate with me and have had to be blocked and reported - For the record, I think it's time that a memo went out to remind people that Linked In is not a pick up site. Try Tinder.

Fun fact: I actually left Linked In a number of years ago after getting sexually harassed more than once, and I decided it wasn't the place for me. I was encouraged to set up my profile again this year, but I am nonetheless, still find myself having to remind people that if I wanted to flirt with them, I'd be hanging out on a different social network, not a supposedly "professional" one...

Ugh!

I've worked on improving my own professional boundaries, but as a woman, and a healer with great empathy, I have to admit it's still hard for me, so sometimes I find that non-interaction is sometimes the best option, and I will ignore sales people who push too hard or pretend to be my friend or worse try to come on to me. 

SRSLY!

~

I think as holistic business people we really need to take a good look at our boundaries and apply the normal business rules to them no matter how "nice" an image we think we need to project. 

It doesn't matter that we are empathic, compassionate healers who want to help people - it's still perfectly ok for us to say no. And if they don't get it the first time, guess what - we can say NO again!

A healer or spiritual worker doesn't have to be a "soft touch" outside of client sessions. In fact I recommend that you set some firm boundaries and make them very obvious to any would-be networking contacts or hopeful business partners to save yourself a whole lot of hassle.

Save your kindness for paying your clients; keep your energy for the people who need and deserve it, and also for yourself and your family. 

Boundaries in business are just as important as in your personal life, if not more so. If you don't set and hold them, you may find yourself repeating old patterns with new faces, and even becoming disenchanted with your work which would be a terrible shame.

Just because your work involves helping people does not mean that you are required to be super-nice to every Tom, Dick and Sally you meet in the business world, and it's not expected that you are, so chill. 

This is your friendly reminder from me, that you can still be kind, professional, spiritual and a healer, and say NO when it suits you.

You're not here to please everyone - you're not tequila ;)